The first month with Cata

Catalina Celeste is here. And I am the mother of a newborn again. I am remembering newborns are easy as pie when they sleep all day in a sling across my chest. And more frustrating than any day with a two year old when she fusses and cries even though she is freshly changed, nursed and is being held and rocked.

Joaquin is very sweet to his little sister. He is also displaying amazing maturity and a regression to babyhood at the very same time. Suddenly he goes to the bathroom by himself, eats dinner with us and maintains easy nap and bedtimes. Yet Joaquin is obviously disturbed by Catalina. His jealousy has manifested itself as tantrums resulting for requests that can not be granted (such as the return of a eaten piece of cantaloupe.) It's as if he is looking to find things that I will say no to that he can express his displeasure with the situation. I am finding talking to him, holding him close while still requiring a standard of decent two year old behavior is the best I can do and seems to help him through the days. His sadness makes me sad. My eyes have watered many times during his tantrums when I realize right now he is no longer my formerly always happy, tippytoe running, carefree little boy. I am being dramatic because Joaquin still has many happy moments each day and I am reassured by all that this stage is short and will pass.

Its a good thing that nursing Cata requires she and I to be together all the time, otherwise my allegiance to Joaquin would perhaps dominant the development of that same fierce love for her. Having Cata in my arms for hours each and every day now and for the next 6 months almost guarantees by the time she now longer needs me to carry her everywhere that Cata will be firmly etched into my heart. And my eyes will water with love for her.

Cata is very lovely with alert brown eyes that sought me out from day one. When she is calm, I feel her soul reaching out to mine. Her first month of life passed so quickly but in that time I have seen her looking for my voice in a room and settling down in my arms when she is distraught with others. The first two weeks of her life was a postpartum bliss. Daniel was home and Joaquin was still pleased with the new arrival. As a foursome, we spent a sunny morning at Crown Memorial Beach in Alameda. We played in the creek at the Temescal Farmers Market. We walked together to San Pablo Park and had coffee in the secret garden behind Cafe Trieste. During the three days a week that Joaquin was cared for by Brenda, Daniel, newborn Cata and I went on dates. Cata slept serenely through visits to the SF MOMA with lunch at an outdoor cafe. Daniel and I ate at our favorite French breakfast cafe and she dozed like a perfect angel at my side. We were visited by friends bringing evening meals almost everynight for the first two weeks. It was both wonderful to have all the company and then at the end of the second week, I was also exhausted by the social activity.

Then my mom, Susie, arrived. She stayed for two weeks and we were nervous that the visit would be too long. Yet at the end of the first week, Daniel and I fretted she was leaving so soon. I can remember only one other time being so thankful for my mama. I guess that what's being a mama does to you. During those two weeks, my house was neat, dinner shopped for, our laundry washed and folded and one of the two little ones was always in her arms or at her feet. The only way to repay her is to let her see as much of my little darlings as she wants.

Susie left and now at week 4 going on five, I am tired. The jubilation has worn off and worry and tears have crept through at moments. Tears are a symptom of exhaustion for me. But real too is my heartbreak for Joaquin 2 year old anguish and Cata's struggle to digest milk. Yet after yesterday's afternoon where I let myself sink into blue, both children were wonderfully sweet. It does seem they know when I am about the crash and show me their best so that I will again offer them my best.

I cant imagine that life could be fuller of life. So many babies, toddlers, friends, family are all around with both their wonderful joys and needs.
This second time around I know so much more- yes the details of babycare but also how it's just six months of tiny babyness. With Joaquin each day was a new lifetime and passed with momentousness because I had no idea when the current phase would change. With Cata, I can see the path forward. That brings both relief to not be walking directionless through a forest but also the indifference of passing by landmarks known too well. Therefore I am taking the time again to record these days of wonder.