Cata is four months

Cata is the most delightful four months. Daniel and I wished last night we could freeze time at this stage (as long as she is not waking more than once at night.) She is sweet, cooperative and draws attention like a movie star.
Daniel seems to love the attention of carrying his four month old around. Daniel walks into a restaurant holding Catalina and every woman between age two to a hundred turns her head, awws and checks them out. Yesterday we walked by the local college bar called the Jupiter. I had Joaquin's hand and Daniel had Cata in his arms. Three lovely college girls stopped mid-sentence to admire Cata. From Daniel's silly grin, I'd guess that not a regular occurrence. Cata is a head turner. She is so wonderfully cooperative while I am busy tending to Joaquin's needs for toys found, food, books read. So while Cata is a doll, Joaquin has entered at last the terrible twos and some days they are terrible.

Structure

We started Joaquin in a little preschool. The program is called La Academia. It runs Monday through Friday from 9am- 12pm. I have such mixed feelings about the program. I love that it's bilingual. I am trying to speak Spanish with him but my Spanish is far from as fluid as I would like. I think that one of the biggest gifts I could give Joaquin is to speak Spanish easily and not struggle to master the language like I have for so many years. I like that I give my undivided attention to Cata while he's at school and she is awake. Cata is easier to ignore and when she is a pest she catches my hard edge since Joaquin is my first and demands so much. Joaquin seems to enjoy the activity at the school and does not display separation anxiety when he's there, though after the first week he asks to stay home with me.

Then there's what I do not feel ready for. I do not feel ready to have his days scripted to a schedule. As it is I am taking him four days a week only. It is hard to get him dressed and out of the house. He doesn't want to go because he likes and is happiest when he is living in the present moment. Urging him to hurry up, we will be late causes anxiety and tantrums. I also miss creating the flow of our days and having outings to the library, the park. Not that we still don't stop at the park most days- it's the structure that I resist. Plus I have to drag Cata there and back.

At least I am riding us around on my bicycle. To avoid the car trips and being the shuttleMom that I dread I never become, I have been riding the 1.6 miles each way with Joaquin in his front bikeseat and Cata is in a carseat in a new bike trailer. I feel both like a champion, hard-core athlete and totally over-extended. Cata does not love the carseat and she hates speed bumps. She cries most days for some of the ride. Its a challenge to soothe her with Joaquin seated on the handlebars. At least Im no soccer-mom but I might be insane. My lovely cranky pregnant neighbor said "Can you drive them like everyone else?" from her Prius window on her way to preschool. So I will give it a month and decide whether to continue or not.

Our family summer visit

 

Adventures with four

Daniel and I must be getting more sleep for we set upon an adventurous weekend. Miraculously on Saturday, we put our two kids and a canoe along with Sylvan and Ben in Ben's aging yet awesome minivan. We drove the hour north to Healdsburg where we put our boat in the water and canoed down the lazy Russian river. The day went as smoothly as could be hoped for. I didn't get to swim because I had to hold Cata, but I did a turn at paddling. The only hitch is what we are calling the Great Rock Incident which consisted of Sylvan throwing a river rock at Joaquin's head. Joaquin cried but the incident passed and was forgotten. At one point, both boys fell asleep in the canoe and Daniel and I paddled quietly down the Russian River.

Sunday I planned a day of resting, father's day breakfast, cleanup and dinner at friends' house in San Francisco. A Facebook status posted alerted me that Sharon Jones and the Dapkings where going to play a free concert in San Francisco's lovely Stern Grove. She is a recent favorite of mine and like no other. Our little family had spent the sunny morning together eating homemade breakfast and enjoying a lazy trip to a little park. I hemmed and hawed about whether to brave the Bay Bridge, the hour drive and the parking with Cata. Daniel encouraged me to go. So Cata and I hopped into the car and set out. We arrived just before Sharon Jones was set to go on. The day was sunny and perfect and I remembered how easy it was to have a teeny infant strapped to my chest. Cata loved the music. Her eyes were wide and clear for much of the time. I was worried it was too loud and I had forgotten earplugs but I checked the noise level with my iphone decibel meter and it registered reasonable. Iphones are a most handy mother tool. I sang along to the 'baby I love you' style songs wooing my little Cata.

After the hour show, I drove to the dinner party. The party was in part a send off for one of my closest friends who is moving three hours south to San Luis Obispo. Joaquin got the thrill of taking BART with Daniel to join us. He was slightly shy so very well behaved and gobbled down a helping of eggplant parmesan topped off with blackberry ice cream.
My policy is go for the adventures while the kids are good. So we did.

Father's Day morning visit to the park. Joaquin displays his lawnmower trophy.

Alone with the two littles

Last week Cata smiled at me for the first time. Little Mona Lisa smiles that I knew to look for this time. Cata fussed less last week and we were all happier. Whether it is my careful nursing diet or her passing through the early weeks of fussiness is anyone's guess.

Joaquin seemed to shake off his melancholy after a spectacular tantrum on a Friday afternoon. The Tantrum started while he was playing quietly in the backyard with me nearby. I showed him a melted crayon nub on the ground. After smushing it further, Joaquin requested that I fix it, I make it back into a crayon. This simply was not possible and the tantrum of all tantrums ensued. It was a sad tantrum rather than an angry one. But I could not get him to snap out of it- not with distraction, not with time outs. I even sprayed him with the garden hose to make him laugh- which he did and didn't. He ended up in the yard, naked except for his bubblegum pink Crocs. My sister Clararose who present to witness the tantrum wisely decided to step in and she cleverly convinced Joaquin to give up his howling and sobbing. They played in the yard together while I nursed Cata on the sofa inside. Joaquin then played naked in the yard on his own for another hour. That afternoon seemed a turning point. Since then his exuberant, joyful, curious and cooperative spirit has returned. Perhaps the tantrum was cathartic?

\
He looks like wild sasquatch in these photos I secretly took through the window screen.
My first days alone with two littles started last week. For the three days so far its been quite easier than expected. Joaquin is quite patient with Cata's needs for nursing and diaper changes. Cata has been a cooperative sleeper who takes multiple hour naps in the morning and afternoon which allows me to spend time with Joaquin and also get in a little nap while he naps. Perhaps the cutest thing is how Joaquin lingers near my knee while I nurse Cata. He stays close and I pet his hair. It is really quite delightful having my two little children snuggle happily around me. He often asks for milk too. I happily oblige with his sippy cup and hold him in my lap for as long as he allows me.

The doubts of having a second child have passed for the moment. Already Joaquin seems to have a new sense of independence that brings him contentment. He also seeks out and appreciates affection more and I am enjoying having a little tippytoes, thick eyelashed, blond mophead sprite looking for extra love.

Auntie Clararose Visits

Clararose stayed with us for five days. I hope she's reading when I write what a gem of a sister she was. Minutes after I picked her up from the airport, I was laughing harder than I can remember about endangered wild ramps and frekeh (look it up). We had some hilarious idea for a blog that I wish I remembered.
Clararose cooked for us, did unglamorous jobs like after-lunch dishes and folded laundry. This in addition to being a super fun Auntie Cwara to Joaquin. Joaquin was continually looking for her in our guest room. Cata had a few of her fussy days that Clara helped us through. There was The Tantrum that thankfully she was there to quell.
I have my fingers crossed that someday soon Clararose and I will see each other more frequently. Here are a few pictures of her visit.

The first month with Cata

Catalina Celeste is here. And I am the mother of a newborn again. I am remembering newborns are easy as pie when they sleep all day in a sling across my chest. And more frustrating than any day with a two year old when she fusses and cries even though she is freshly changed, nursed and is being held and rocked.

Joaquin is very sweet to his little sister. He is also displaying amazing maturity and a regression to babyhood at the very same time. Suddenly he goes to the bathroom by himself, eats dinner with us and maintains easy nap and bedtimes. Yet Joaquin is obviously disturbed by Catalina. His jealousy has manifested itself as tantrums resulting for requests that can not be granted (such as the return of a eaten piece of cantaloupe.) It's as if he is looking to find things that I will say no to that he can express his displeasure with the situation. I am finding talking to him, holding him close while still requiring a standard of decent two year old behavior is the best I can do and seems to help him through the days. His sadness makes me sad. My eyes have watered many times during his tantrums when I realize right now he is no longer my formerly always happy, tippytoe running, carefree little boy. I am being dramatic because Joaquin still has many happy moments each day and I am reassured by all that this stage is short and will pass.

Its a good thing that nursing Cata requires she and I to be together all the time, otherwise my allegiance to Joaquin would perhaps dominant the development of that same fierce love for her. Having Cata in my arms for hours each and every day now and for the next 6 months almost guarantees by the time she now longer needs me to carry her everywhere that Cata will be firmly etched into my heart. And my eyes will water with love for her.

Cata is very lovely with alert brown eyes that sought me out from day one. When she is calm, I feel her soul reaching out to mine. Her first month of life passed so quickly but in that time I have seen her looking for my voice in a room and settling down in my arms when she is distraught with others. The first two weeks of her life was a postpartum bliss. Daniel was home and Joaquin was still pleased with the new arrival. As a foursome, we spent a sunny morning at Crown Memorial Beach in Alameda. We played in the creek at the Temescal Farmers Market. We walked together to San Pablo Park and had coffee in the secret garden behind Cafe Trieste. During the three days a week that Joaquin was cared for by Brenda, Daniel, newborn Cata and I went on dates. Cata slept serenely through visits to the SF MOMA with lunch at an outdoor cafe. Daniel and I ate at our favorite French breakfast cafe and she dozed like a perfect angel at my side. We were visited by friends bringing evening meals almost everynight for the first two weeks. It was both wonderful to have all the company and then at the end of the second week, I was also exhausted by the social activity.

Then my mom, Susie, arrived. She stayed for two weeks and we were nervous that the visit would be too long. Yet at the end of the first week, Daniel and I fretted she was leaving so soon. I can remember only one other time being so thankful for my mama. I guess that what's being a mama does to you. During those two weeks, my house was neat, dinner shopped for, our laundry washed and folded and one of the two little ones was always in her arms or at her feet. The only way to repay her is to let her see as much of my little darlings as she wants.

Susie left and now at week 4 going on five, I am tired. The jubilation has worn off and worry and tears have crept through at moments. Tears are a symptom of exhaustion for me. But real too is my heartbreak for Joaquin 2 year old anguish and Cata's struggle to digest milk. Yet after yesterday's afternoon where I let myself sink into blue, both children were wonderfully sweet. It does seem they know when I am about the crash and show me their best so that I will again offer them my best.

I cant imagine that life could be fuller of life. So many babies, toddlers, friends, family are all around with both their wonderful joys and needs.
This second time around I know so much more- yes the details of babycare but also how it's just six months of tiny babyness. With Joaquin each day was a new lifetime and passed with momentousness because I had no idea when the current phase would change. With Cata, I can see the path forward. That brings both relief to not be walking directionless through a forest but also the indifference of passing by landmarks known too well. Therefore I am taking the time again to record these days of wonder.